Hanging by a moment…..

Today has been the hardest day since everything was thrown into chaos last Friday. It'be been hard because it's been the closest to “normal” since it all happened. I never thought “normal” in a situation like this would be bad…

It's funny how quickly you get used to chaos… how quickly you stop expecting and simply take each minute of every hour as it comes. It's like living somewhere half in the past and half in the future. Everything you do reminds you of the past, and at the same time it rubs in your face how different your future suddenly is now.

Bella wrote of “the day that never came” in her blog… and I can't begin to count the times I've suddenly stopped in the middle of doing something and thought “… now I'll be doing this or that or the other alone. He was supposed to be around for that. He was supposed to help me with that…but now that will never be”…

I'll never sing with him again, or sit for hours on end and play boardgames late at night with him. Birthdays, anniversaries, future funerals etc… I'll be handling that on my own, instead of teaming up with my kid brother. I can't have kids, so my parents will never be grandparents… I'll never hold his babies, see him married or cry with him when our grandparents' time has come to pass. He'll never suggest that we “sneak” out an hour before bedtime to go to McD's and then off to the beach for a moonlit walk in the sandy dunes… He'll never play fetch with the dog in the forest again and sit with her on a hilltop and watch the Sun set while they both catch their breath again. He'll never surprise us with a BBQ in the rain “just because”. He'll never be in my house again. Never see or what has become of the seedlings and seeds he brought home from trips we went on when he visited me in England. I won't ever get up in the early hours of the morning to see him sitting in his shorts in the wet grass drinking orange juice…

I could go on and on… and every day, it gets longer, and somehow that just seems utterly unbearable.

We picked clothes for him to wear, his own, his favourite. We've collected letters, pictures and memories to go in the coffin with him. We've chosen the flowers for his coffin and for the church… and some just for him. The Priest is a distant personal friend of mine from my time at the theatre. He cried when he heard – and he sat with us for hours yesterday, as a friend and father himself, trying to fathom what had happened. He managed it no more than any of the rest of us.

All these things that we had to do. Decision we had to make. Choices to make and consider. There was such comfort in that. Comfort and relief to be able to do SOMETHING – ANYTHING – for him… to care for him, to feel close to him and one last time… just spoil him a little.

We will always feel it can never be “good enough”, no matter how much we do…. because we still want to do more. Want to hold on… hang on… just that little bit longer.

It is hard to accept that it has to end… that we have reached the point where there are no more things to do for him, no more arrangements to make, no more ways to ensure everything is as he would want it.

But even harder to change the focus away from him and onto ourselves and each other. Hard to sit and look at each other and think “what do we do now…” and know the answer is “we take care of ourselves and help each other move on”…

Tonight, we all just wanted to stay in this moment… here with him… so for tonight, we did.

Hanging by a moment…..

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