There are so many words and different thoughts that want to be expressed now that it is hard to keep them separate enough to understand or speak of them. It's like some kind of avalanche has started. My words are tripping over each other to come out and stamp their presence on my mind…

I thought it would be confusing but it isn't. I thought when this happened I would wish to seek someone to listen.. someone to talk to… but I'm not. I'm not looking for conversation. I've had enough of that for now. More than enough. I don't want the thoughts and feelings of others to dampen or divert the avalanche of words I feel building up behind the dam inside me. I need to just let them flow freely and unchallenged. I don't seek to be heard. It doesn't matter if no one hears at all. It is for me. Just for me. I'm not looking for answers or ways or advice. I'll figure it out as I go along, and if I don't… well then I'll take that lesson as it comes.

The emptiness and chaos that has followed in the wake of my brother's death has completely distorted my view of my life and myself. When something like this happens I guess it is natural to feel like everything is falling apart… like life as I have known it so far is over… and even I know that that's complete BS.

I always used to think that “closure” meant “end”… but I would be kidding myself if I thought this would ever end. The gap he left behind will remain, so will the memories and the wishes to have him back so that he could be part of all the things I -when picturing my life- had decided he was “supposed” to be part of. But whether he is here or not my life moves on, and the closure I'm seeking isn't about escaping pain, or the feeling of missing him. It's a matter of learning how to live again WITH that pain and sense of loss. So “closure” becomes acceptance, love and forgiveness…

So I'll let the words come. I'll get to know them and their purpose. And at some point I will start feeling like myself again…


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