I am hurting so much tonight. Why are evenings always the worst?? I can't sleep and when I do it is broken and uneasy sleep. So instead I stay up… I find myself drawn to things I shouldn't be reading and pictures I can't stand to look at. The other night I put most of them away -the pictures- because I felt like tearing them up and throwing them away. So I put them away somewhere safe coz I know I would only end up regretting it later.
I am on the brink of tears constantly. Have been the last 24 hours or so. I don't know why. I can distract myself for a while but then somehow end up drawn back to it, like a masochist seeking the kick of pain.
I tried to answer some more of the “sympathy and support” emails I received. But I am so sick of talking about it. Sick of telling people “it's okay, there's nothing to say”.
Have you got any idea how hard it is to constantly receive new emails and letters from people who just found out and want to express their condolences? How hard it is to constantly be reminded of it by other people's good intentions and wish to help? And have you any idea how frustrating it is to KNOW and FEEL such gratitude to them for everything they say and do, yet STILL wanting to strangle them for saying anything about it at all???
Have you any idea how lonely it is to want to be alone because you can't handle having anyone else around you?