No apparent reason

I sought something today. I am not entirely sure what. But while I was out walking i suddenly found my steps leading me down path to cemetary where my bro's grave lies. It's not really a place I usually seek. In fact, I think my view has always been that nothing of him could or would ever be in a small plot of soil enclosed by a little hedge with a stone set on top. And as such that view stands… yet I still at times feel compelled to seek it for some reason.

Today, I am telling myself it was curiosity to see how the wreath and decoration I have made and placed there for Christmas are holding up in the cold. Both are fine, and it made me smile to see that the oats on the wreath had been feeding birds and whatever other wildlife passing by. He would have liked that.

I sat there for a while, listening to some music on my MP3 player, kind of getting lost in a world that had very little to do with my bro or the place I was in. I'm sure he wouldn't mind… and by my own assessments of afterlife he wouldn't even be there to notice anyway. But then, what do I know? It's not like I am speaking from experience on this *grins*

Maybe I just wanted somewhere fairly quiet (which would make this place a bad choice as it is so close to two big roads)?? Maybe I just went there to think? Possibly, I am, as I said, not sure. Most likely I went there to find peace… which again is completely out of character for me to seek it from such a place. Who knows, maybe I am finally growing up a bit? (how's that for a frightening thought??)

In any case, I found what I sought – somehow – and left there feeling the sky above me soaring higher and brighter than it had done in a while. How I managed to come away from a place I have irrevokably associated in my mind with death and loss, feeling alive and revived I am not really going to contemplate too much. Normally, I would relish dissecting and analyzing my actions and thoughts.

Sometimes, it is good to climb a tree or scale a steep hill… just to know I can still do it if I have to. And more importantly, to remind myself that when I do I usually enjoy it. And that's important not to forget, I think.

No apparent reason

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