I used to think of the tide coming in as something destructive… violent almost. A ruthless all-consuming blanket that came in from the sea to cover up things that would otherwise be visible and steal away space that would otherwise be accessible. I used to think of it as temporary chaos, necessitating flight from the water or surrender to it as it drowned out everything else.
I guess in many ways I can look back and see how the changing “tides” of my life have come and gone, leaving me either high and dry or overwhelmed and adrift. And with it always came a sense of helplessness to fight against the elements… the forces that control such things.
Yet still it was never really in my philosophy to feel helpless in life. Nor to feel I had no power to influence or change things. So as I think back now, it actually does strike me all the more odd that I would have retained this insistant view of “just having to ride it out” during high tide. After all, it is the return of the water that brings life and envigorates all that have laid dormant under the sand, waiting until it would once again be safe to venture out.
But there are times when I for one reason or another look back along the path I have taken. So far every time I have done that I have been able to see the foot prints I have left in the past couple of years. But now, the tide has turned and has started to wash away those markings in the sand. And again, I find myself at the point where there is no going back. No open door to the past to seek or escape back to. No more “in between” space to linger in before taking the next step forward.
I suppose it is always daunting to reach such a point when one realizes it is time to really move on. But I do not feel daunted… and the knee-jerk reaction to guard and preserve – rather than conquer and embrace – is something I no longer feel need for.
What I am seeking to say, I guess, is that when I turn around now and look back… I see how everything has changed. I see how my old world has continued its own evolution and come to be even more distant and unfamiliar to me than it were when I left it. I see how it is eroding the connection between me and it, ….and I know it is something I do not need to hold onto or keep close anymore.
Ebb left my life empty… depleted. And for a while it was easier to just stay and feed on the scraps left by the receeding waters, knowing it was a temporary sanctury bound to either burn me or send me fleeing the waves when they eventually came back. It was easier than to make a choice of which world to belong to. Easier to stay with whatever little familiarity I still had to cling onto.
Abundance is back… in measures I still struggle to fathom. It comes with the water that I have avoided for so long. It comes with the turn of the tide, not just erasing my past but filling in the gaps left by it within me… smoothing out the rough rugged edge with a caress so irresistable and persistant that even the turbulence accompanying it seems a blessing.
This time… I am ready.