Outside my window fall is reluctantly giving way to winter. Inside the lazy fire in the fire place and the accummulating lists of plans and preparations are telling me that Christmas is rapidly approaching. A look over my schedule for the next few weeks mark several big landmarks I hadn't even dreamed of achieving a year ago. Things are changing all around and time is rushing by as if it were late for something.
And yet today few of these things seem to be more than shallow reflections. Pressing deadlines and appointments that filled every conscious thought in my head a few days ago seem unimportant and distant… almost unreal. I do care about them… care about doing my best…. but they seem so endlessly far away that somehow I can't make myself comprehend their significance.
Today everything is two years ago. Today every phone call is the one I received in the parking lot at Sainsbury´s after grocery shopping. Every person I speak to is someone whose world is still intact and as it should be. I don't resent that as much as I had thought I would. I just find myself withdrawing and noting to myself that no one gets it. Silly, of course… not to mention immaterial.
Today is in the past. A deja vu. As if someone somewhere found out how to make Groundhog Day real.
It is an odd sensation to know two years have passed and so many things changed… most for the better, actually… and yet I still feel like Road Runner stopped in his tracks by Acme Super Glue. I didn't expect it to get easier without it also getting less “powerful”. But apparently, it doesn't work that way. Not for me at least. Not yet anyway.
As I type this out the clock on my monitor seems to have frozen on the exact time, aligning the last variable. Now all is set. It is two years in the past and in a few minutes the phone will ring to shatter my childhood, my family and my sense of who I am.
For all the progress I have made… for all the accomplishments I have won for myself… for all the pride and strength and determination I have found to rebuild, re-invent and rediscover life, the world and myself… I accept that some things are too far in the future to deal with today. They will just have to wait till tomorrow ….. *smiles quietly*
Wherever you are, we keep you with us, bro…