“It's time. Don't drag it out. It will only make it worse”….
We both knew it. Yet neither of us seemed capable or willing to know better. It had a dreadful sense of finality to it. I hated it. Probably mostly because I knew it was stupid and unnecessary. Nevertheless, when the silence set in I couldn't get over it. He was gone. Offline for months. Suddenly, my enmity towards the Atlantic was back in full force.
I know, I know. Nothing is lost or diminished. Just changed. We'll still be within reach of one another. Every day more or less. Still be close. Still be us, together. But right now, it is just way too big for me to swallow without a grimace.
I'm glad He isn't here to read this right now. I don't want to let Him down or make it any harder on Him than it has to be. I'm frustrating myself. It's only a few months and when the initial shock of all this has subsided I will be stronger and much better able and willing to see the good that will come from this. He's within reach, always, constantly. Unquestionably. I am reminding myself of it over and over today it seems. It will get better and easier with time, I'm sure… it has to, right?
So for now I am just trying to keep myself busy. Trying in every way I can to find a way to make all my resentment and fears into positives. It isn't “day 1 of 99 (or however many it may turn out to be)”… it is “today there is ONLY 99 days left”. Probably silly… but it makes me feel a little better.
99 bottles of beer on the wall… I can do this… 99 bottles of beer…