I've been very raw and moody recently. And I've needed some time to get my head straight and cool off to say the least. I had intended to edit my blog and remove some entries before reopening it but I have chosen to let it stand as it is, uncensured.
When I started writing it was to explore myself, keep track of my thoughts and journeys… and whatever moved me along the way. To remove a part of that would be like pretending it didn't happen. And that just isn't okay with me. So even the ugly parts get to stay. They are part of me… and they are significant. I need to know and face them … perhaps more now than ever.
Privacy isn't something to hide behind. It shouldn't become something that allows me to secretly lower my standards just because I don't show it openly. I am always accountable to myself.
I can and do look back at a time when I have been strung out. A time when too much has happened all at once and I have been extremely inapt at dealing with it. And I have reverted to ways I am not all content to follow anymore. I am better than this. I expect more from myself. And I have failed in living up to that. No BS, no excuses, no pointing fingers.
It is all about control. Or the loss of it. As much as I claim to not need it, I do have a breaking point where I just cannot be pushed any further without pushing back. And as basic human psychology will easily testify,… the places we choose to push are seldom those, which cause the most stress. No… they are the ones, which we trust in the most. Because they are least likely to buckle and bail. It's wrong, and it's unfair. But more importantly, I don't accept it as a responsible choice for me. I know better. And I expect better from others. I would want them to be able to expect the same from me.
For everything that happened…. for all that was said and done… for all that went remiss… I own my part of it. I own the fact that it was easier to point out flaws and short-comings in others than to stop the mad spin I was in to take a good long look at myself. It is one thing to be an enemy to myself for a while. But when I allow myself to alienate others… to alienate myself from the values and ways I have chosen as mine in life… then it has gone too far. Then it has become reckless and disrespectful.
The last 24 hours have given me a clearer perspective on a lot of things. It is time for me to apply that and get on with what really matters. It's time to come out of hiding, face it all and step up to the plate again.
To those of you whom have been in touch with me through my “seclusion” here. Your encouragement and the friendship you have offered me…. your presence and notes were reminders that I wasn't as alone as I wanted to feel at times.
To those of you whom have prodded and poked me and questioned what I was doing… You asked for honesty when I didn't want to hear or know about it. I can't thank you enough.