Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my blog, and this here has been a long time coming. Years ago when I started writing it was a means to giving voice to something unheard in me. A part of me that didn’t feel heard or acknowledged. A voice that caused me to feel incredibly vulnerable… and “naturally” it seemed the perfect solution to grab the bull by the horns and expose to the world these thoughts that I had hidden away so vigorously for so long.
Then slowly as I grew more comfortable with expressing myself I found my writing turned into more of a journal of discovery as I progressed in the lifestyles I’ve chosen to follow. At some point or another it turned a bit preachy. It seemed like I had a need to tell others how I did things and why. Make them look at themselves. Maybe I wanted approval. Maybe I wanted validation. Maybe I wanted to feel less alone with it. I do not know for sure… though I have no doubt all of these played a significant part.
Yet now, I find myself at another crossroads. And this time I feel no need or wish to speak of the life I lead in favour or comparison of anyone else’s. Or even to speak of it at all. I feel no wish to leave my mark. And no wish to teach, clarify or enlighten anyone. I write for me. Simple as that. Always, always, always ABOUT me… no one else. “Any and all resemblance to actual or fictional characters is purely coincidental”… Few realize that… and that’s okay. That’s actually exactly the point. No one has to get it. No one has to agree or offer a counter. It doesn’t matter.
I am not here to debate my lifestyles. Neither when it comes to my spirituality, my sexuality or my relationship dynamics. I am not here to fit in or be liked, and this I am achieving with raving success. That too is okay. In fact, it is very good.
Sure, at times it feels lonely. And it is frustrating to write into a void – even one I have created and caused myself. And like everyone else I too bear a deep unspoken wish and need to be worth something to someone else. To be heard and valued. To be engaged and challenged and liked for who I am and what I offer. If, when and where I find it I welcome it with open arms… but it isn’t the purpose of my blog. It’s just supposed to be there for me to write as I please and feel… and it is, so I do.
That is enough.