Digging up the past

They mentioned on the news this evening that today is Candle Mass (which of course I have no clue what is, nor do I particularly care to be enlightened on the topic)… and more interestingly that according to old sayings today marks the day when half of winter has passed. Very welcome news in my book!!! And so, perhaps inspired by the somewhat vain hope that winter is on the retreat, I guess the mental urge to do some early spring cleaning was what brought out my so-called” Virgo-mood … aka… my anal-retentive-organising-neat-stack-sort-out-throw-away mood.

I COULD have put it to good use, doing some actual spring cleaning or something, but that just seemed entirely too practical, so instead I dug out all my notes on old blogs and profiles in Gods know which places all around the Net, deciding they could do with a good clean-out.

Which in all fairness has been an ongoing project of mine for some time now anyway. So there!

Looking over the lists I realised that I had not only a whole lot more logins and blogs than I was aware of… I also had some that I couldn’t even remember setting up and using. And as I immersed myself in searching through these “ancient archieves” I had the odd sensation of reliving parts of my life that seem to have been forgotten – deliberately or accidentally. It brought back a lot of memories and a few delightful encounters with flushed cheeks and Homer Simpson’esque DOH’s when I came across something that I just couldn’t get over having written.

It also brought to light a blog I kept at the time when my bro died. It’s just over 4 years ago now. I actually had to stop and think about that for a second to check if I’d gotten the count right. It seems like a lot longer,… so much has happened since. But it is just 4 years.

Almost immediately I decided to add them there.

It was odd to read through these old entries. Odd to remember without feeling them as deeply as I did then… and odd to realise that some of them still had the power to cut every bit as cruelly as when it all happened. In so many ways it seems so distant and irrelevant to my life now. But as I read through my own words, I kind of got the feeling that they are anything but foreign and inapplicable. I like their presence and in many ways it urges me to look at life with different eyes.

It seems pertinent somehow at the moment to figure out what my goals and ambitions are. To pick a target, commit to it and live for the achievement of it. To have a dream and chase it if for no other reason and purpose then simply to move through life at speed and will, instead of just standing still and letting it come to me.

Most of us know the feeling of having an awkward relationship with the past. It is over and done with and in the vast majority of cases, we are glad. Whereas the future is often idealised as a promise of opportunity and hope, the past is usually one of overcoming failure and unpleasantries – ugliness even – in ourselves or those around us. And I guess in that light it could seem somewhat masochistic to rip up old trauma, just for the sake of remembering how it felt.

Or it would if it were about self-pity, at least.

But I don’t think that’s why I’m doing it.

Perhaps, I am seeking closure.

Perhaps, I have already found it and merely seek to blend and merge the two halves of my life into one again, after having lived with them almost completely severed for several years. I don’t know.

Answers on a postcard….

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Digging up the past

One thought on “Digging up the past

  1. This scares me!
    We are too alike. It’s crazy!

    I thought about what to post on my own blog for the last week and decided to write about holding on to the past and the people in it, about the things I did that were good or bad and where that has all taken me.

    The past is a strange thing. Sometimes I think it’s called past because everything a test and it’s the part we have passed/past. See what I mean?

    Looking back I guess i did most things right, with some I was to young to make better decisions and some were just dumb. They have all brought me to where I am today.

    I didn’t know about your brother because I only read the newer entries, but I felt it. I faintly remembered that you had a brother, but the way you never mentioned him and some kind of … call it instinct … told me what had happened. I just read the older entries.
    I’d never pretend to know how it feel to lose your brother but I know loss.
    So many people close to me have passed away, so many.
    The last one was my grandmother.
    My father died back in 2003 and I remember the feeling.

    I try not to hold on to the grief. I try not to hold on to the anger. It doesn’t always work but I’ve found that the old saying “Time heals all wounds” is very true. We still have scars and they ache very much sometimes but the wound we thought would never heal is closed.
    It doesn’t mean that i take loss easily because I know that the pain will be reduced in time. It’s just a bit of hope I cling on to when my scars ache.

    My mother will be returning today from Germany where she cleared out my grandmothers house and sold it.
    I miss my grandmother so much and just can’t stand the thought that the place where she lived all my life and we lived together for three years is gone. Someone else lives there from now on. Someone elses furniture will be there and someone elses smell.
    That also means that I have no contact to the place where my family has had it’s roots for the last about 400-500 years. It feels weird. Talk about holding on to the past.
    On one side I feel sad and confused and one the other I’m happy that I’m able to feel so much. I spent a lot of time learning how to feel again and take the fact that I’m sitting here with the tears running down my face as a triumph.
    I may be too sentimental sometimes but these reactions are genuine and 100% mine.

    I think one thing I like about you is that we have both experienced a lot of things and now take life as it comes and enjoy every happy moment more. Because we know how fragile happyness is.

    It gets weirder! You just sent me an SMS.

    I think the past needs to be a stepping stone. The things we learn along the way take us to places we could never have gone without them. I don’t know where this road will take me either and I try not to worry. I try just to sit back and enjoy the ride with the nice people on the same bus.

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