In philosophy the term “emergence” refers to how something complex and grand can come from an array of smaller relatively simple reactions and interactions.  In other words, it tells us how it is possible for something to become greater than the sum of its own parts.

Like life.

Four years ago when I started down the road I’ve been travelling, I had no idea where it would take me. It was whim and taking a chance far more than educated choice that brought me to turn onto this path… and there have been many times along the way when I have cursed myself for not picking another – or at least stopping somewhere to get a GPS before I stumbled on blindly.

Yet now, when I am finally on the last leg, inches from the next intersection… instead of feeling drained and in need of a break… I find myself with an unexpected sense of renewed energy and zest for all that still lies out there, waiting to be found.

The past four years have been a transition for me in almost every conceivable way. Not only has it taken me from one life, country and mentalt state to another – it has taken me from living in the moment to building for the future. Which is something I’ve never really done before.

It’s been difficult to get the balance right, and I have often found myself wanting to do something, yet chosen not to out of a sense of duty or obligation or sheer determination not to be distracted from my goal. Too often it seemed that choosing one would detract from the other, so it has felt like a constant struggle between staying on track and keeping afloat. Of waiting for something else to happen first before other things could be possible. Of trying to ignore what lies beyond the confines of my own perceptions of being smart, practical and responsible, so that one day down the line I CAN have all of those things I want and long for so much.

I don’t know that I made the best – or even good – choices, but I know I believed in them wholeheartedly. And I have no regrets. I chose everything – and whatever the outcome, I stand by my choices. Even if I have hated them at times.

Such choices come at a price, though, and watching myself react to others who reach out and share with me their ability to encompass new things, instead of waiting for them to happen by themselves, I can see what these last few years have done to me. How they have changed me.

In the past two weeks or so I have found myself making long lists of new hobbies I want to take on, new career options to pursue, wishes, hopes and dreams of things I’d not have dared to consider possible before. Everywhere I look there seems to be endless possiblities and exciting new things to learn, challenges to take on and life to live. I am so used to holding myself back that figuring out how to respond to all these stimuli and options is a little overwhelming. But the important thing is… I have room for more within me! And I haven’t felt that way for years!

For me this is coming out with a sum that’s greater than the parts I chucked into the mix. To feel eagerness and excitement at the prospect of new challenges instead of dread and exhaustion is… just plain… FANTASTIC!

And for the first time in a long long while, I feel like I have something to give. Something to make ME greater than the sum of my parts.


15 thoughts on “Emergence

    1. Scattered Rayn says:

      Hi Kathy,

      I absolutely will be! In fact, I have been feeling that “urge” to get stuck back in with some writing for weeks now, and I can feel myself caving LOL

      My hiatus from writing has been good, but far too long. I feel ready for something new and will probably revamp the blog to get that “blank sheet-feeling” back again…

      Thank you for hanging in there with me!!

  1. We have a saying in my home, that “you are in charge of your own happiness”. It really does come down to perspective, how you view the choices you make, how those choices determine your outlook on life, but more importantly taking responsibility for those choices good or bad.
    Never be afraid of choosing happiness, and doing what you must to make it a reality.
    Good luck! I look forward to seeing where this takes you 🙂

  2. Bravo! I truly hope that you take this opportunity to really soar on the sails of your enthusiasm and positivity. We all go through seasons of our lives that either leave us drained or elated. This is your time to shine. Make that list – know that it is okay to release those things in your life that are not getting you to where you need to be. Good luck and I can’t wait to hear what comes next.

    – Emily

    1. Scattered Rayn says:

      Thank you! 🙂 It’s a good feeling and for once not one I am shunning or feeling guilty about. It’s nice to be on the side of life that looks fun and full of adventure all the way round, and it makes me appreciate things so much more. Gives me more room inside as well for the flaws and short comings and struggles I see in myself. Perhaps a time to start working on some of those.

      Thank you for your support!!
      – Rayn

  3. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but it is uncanny how we have similar crossroads and life milestones we come across during the same time span…

    For years I have struggled, and suddenly there is this rush of adrenaline from the knowledge that no matter what, it feels great to be where I am. No matter what I thought was or isn’t possibly, suddenly the world is my oyster and mine to conquer.

    I am glad that you are able to say you are greater than the sum of your parts. Unlike most people, including myself, who are still finding those parts to join and make something greater. Hope is what I will take away from this emergence. Thank you.

    1. Scattered Rayn says:

      @ Whirlwind

      It IS uncanny…. and I am glad that you find yourself in my words, as I so often do me in yours, and glad too that I have been able to pass along a sense of hope. If there was one thing I’d have wanted to share through this post it was that sense that things change and they WILL bring you back on top. It just takes a while.

      So, for now, I am enjoying the peek… riding the crest of the wave so to speak – and man, it’s perfect! I just hope that when the wave subsides and I hit the water again that I will keep this exhilaration and thrill close enough to want to leap back up on the board and yell “LET’S GO AGAIN!!!”

  4. Val Erde says:

    Well… if you get a new blog, I’d love for you to let me know so that I can come and read it. (Hopefully that doesn’t sound stalkerish!!))

    1. Scattered Rayn says:

      Not at all 🙂 Thank you! It is always nice to know that there are people out there beyond the screen that appreciates and takes an interest in what I write… actually, I consider it a huge compliment, and most welcome support and encouragement.

      So, truly… thank you!

  5. Val Erde says:

    How fabulously optimistic you sound! I’m excited for you.
    I hope you’ll be posting more too – or is your new future taking you away from your blog, do you think?

    1. Scattered Rayn says:

      I DO feel very optimistic. For far too long I have felt oppressed by a life and choices I had chosen but perhaps not fully been prepared for. I have no regrets, and given the chance…. I’d choose it all again. But that is all in the past now, and it is time to look to a place somewhere between today and the future. I do not expect that to take me away from blogging, no… quite the contrary, I hope. But perhaps it is time for a change of scenary… I am still considering that 🙂

      Thank you for your comment and encouragement. It means the world to me!

  6. You are lucky to feel this way; as a matter of fact, I’m not sure you recognize the sheer magnitude of your perspective. You have, unlike 90% of the rest of us, no regrets.

    Some of us choose to go into fields and careers that have no relevance to our passions; such as going into business when your true calling is music, simply because we choose financial stability over true joy. You should be (which I can see that you are) grateful.

    1. Scattered Rayn says:

      I AM grateful. But not because I do not have regret. If I wanted to take that perspective and look back and see all those things that I COULD or SHOULD or WISH I’d done differently at some point in my past, I too would have regrets. To me regret is a choice. It is wanting to change what cannot be changed. It is a useless exercise in belittling the life that I HAVE chosen.

      Sure, I could have made different choices and done different things. But what good is that to me now? What possible use is it of to me now?

      UNLESS, instead of making it a regret, I make it basis for a change, right here… right now. Maybe I can’t make it what it could have been if I’d done it ten or twenty years ago. But then… who says doing it back then would have been a sure-fire way to bliss and fulfilment anyway? There are no guarantees.

      So, yes… I am grateful. Grateful, I have learned something about myself. Grateful, because life is pretty damn good at “self-correcting” even when I make mistakes to throw it off course. Ever heard the saying “You can never end up being somebody other than yourself”? … I believe life is the same way. No matter what road we take, or which hurdles we skip, dodge or hammer into… we will live the life we are meant to. The real question isn’t WHAT it is comprised… but rather what YOU do with and think of what YOU fill it with.

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